Lana Davis

 The white umbrella

She looks up from her Vogue magazine onto the street below.  People are dashing in and out of shops with black umbrellas.  No sign of a white one.
 
She sighs, lights a cigarette and repositions herself to face the door. Her black pleated miniskirt shifts and falls between her thighs.  She straightens it out and crosses her long legs.
 
She takes a puff and then notices the tall, dark man at the entrance, shaking a white umbrella. His translucent blue eyes scan the room.  He looks at her shoes and smiles, walks up to her with an easy confidence.
 
“Hi,” he says with a strong American accent.  “You must be Frank.  Good thing you mentioned the red boots.”
 
She laughs and stretches out her slender arm to shake his hand.  “Well, it’s about bloody time,” she says.  “Sorry, but I hate to be kept waiting. How do you do?”
 
He sits down.  “Enjoying Paris so far?” he asks as he takes off his denim jacket.
 
“Well, it would help if I could speak the language.  It’s only been 4 months. How long have you been here?”
 
“Six years, on and off.”
 
She gives him a long, silent look.  “Doing what?”
 
“Well, you know, creative director kinda stuff.”
 
“I’m asking what accounts, what awards.  Look, if you want to work for me, you must know that I like to get straight to the point.”
 
“Okay, put it this way, I’ve worked for all the top ad agencies except yours.  And that’s brand new. Here, take a look at my cv.”
 
She flicks through it, puts out her cigarette and says, “You’re hired.”
 
“Well, that’s the fastest interview I’ve ever had.”
 
“It was a done deal the day I called you.  You speak English!” she says with a smile.  “Coffee?”
 
“Sure.”
 
“Come on” she says, getting up from the wrought iron chair. “We can do coffee at the agency.  I’ll brief you there.”
 
He opens up his umbrella as they step out into the soft grey rain. The smell of fresh chocolate crepes fills the air. “So how much of Paris have you seen so far?” he asks, pulling her in under the umbrella.
 
“Not much. Time, you know!”
 
“And if you had the time?”
 
“What a question!” she says, letting out a laugh. 

  “Well, I’ll take you on a tour along the back streets of Paris. We’ll get to the agency quicker than taking the Metro anyway,” he says as he guides her into a cobbled street.
 
A short stocky man holds open the brass door to the bakery on the corner.  “That’s where I get my croissants,” he says and then he points across the road to the candy striped pillars.  “And that’s my barber over there.”
 
“So, you live here,” she says as she looks around at the row of colourful shops on each side of the lane.
 
“Yip.”
 
She suddenly stops.  “Will you show me where you live?”
 
 “What, now?” He looks taken aback.

“I’d like to see what the apartments are like around here.”
 
“What about the agency?” He looks taken aback again.

“I’ll brief you at your place.”
 
He looks up at the sky that has taken a lunch break and laughs.
 
Pigeons scatter around them as they walk across the square.  The cathedral bells are ringing. “When it feels like they’re right inside your head, then you’ll know you’re at my spot!” he says rolling his eyes.
 
Her face softens as she looks up at the man carrying the white umbrella.
 
 “Lets run for it,” he shouts.  “The heavens are at it again. Head straight for that green door, okay?”
 
She doesn’t answer.  She’s already dashing across the square.  She screams as he comes up behind her and she bangs her hand on the wooden door. “Beat you!” she calls out, six years old again.

He grins at her.  “We’ll see about that!” and he opens the door and runs up the stairs leaving her two steps behind him, breathless. She keels over and laughs as she reaches the top of the stairs.

He rips off his jacket and then gestures her into the large room with its vaulted ceiling and huge sash windows.

“It’s lovely,” she says, straightening the black silk scarf around her neck, still getting her breath back.  “The quality of light is quite superb.”

”What more does one need, huh?”  he says, reaching for the coffee pot.

She stands in the centre of the room quietly, taking in the bookshelf, the fireplace, the bronze sculpture in the corner, the magazines piled up high on his desk, paintbrushes, an easel, his laptop on the coffee table. 
She sits down in an antique rocker in front of the window and looks across at the small oil painting on the wall next to the fireplace.  It’s a girl in a white dress, surrounded by a green field.

She gasps.

“Is that a Matisse?”  Her voice is low.
 
“I wish I could say yes, it’s a copy actually.  It’s what I do for a hobby.”
 
“What, copy the masters?  I would have hoped you were into originals.” Her eyes blank over.
 
She looks at him from afar, her mascara smudged. “Well, I’m sorry,” she says, “I simply have to go now.”
 
He’s about to place the coffee pot onto the stove.  He stops mid-air, not sure which way to go.  Put the coffee down or respond to her?  He puts the coffee down, turns off the gas and walks over to the hat stand at the top of the stairs.
 
He looks down at her red boots, patent leather, still glistening from the rain.
And then he hands her his white umbrella.

Corrie de Blocq

Dramatis Personae

It’s a one-man show. An intimate space. He’s spotlighted. She slips into place.

The grandmaster of improv segues smoothly: ‘…then we saw her…’

Damn! He noticed!

His timing’s precise. She’s sometimes a little off beat.

Onstage, he thinks wryly: Half-angel already. But if that last trump ever calls, she’ll be lost in a book… or fluffing her wings…

Stiletto sandals dangle from polished toes. With halcyon poise she studies the oblivious audience. Shoots him a mischievous glance.

Her flawlessly serene metamorphoses amuse him: The lady’s at her best with zero decorum – he relishes his thought.

Contiguous sombre lines slide from his practised tongue. Inwardly he reviews a joyous scene: She whisks away impeccable street clothes. He causes expensive silk wisps to disappear. Then – his favourite cue – impatient feet flick a pair of pretty shoes into wanton, airy parabolas.

 Oh God! Her SHOES!  Move over Imelda Marcos. Even his renowned powers of persuasion can’t limit her outrageous footwear collection.

He’s secure in their oft-played routine. She likes to ad lib. Ah, the morning she strolled into the kitchen wearing only a trench coat and boots!  Dozens of enthralled eyes track his dramatic shivers. His hands replay rough fabric; warm skin; uneven Oregon tabletop…kids’ breakfast plates?

 “…but the heart continued to beat!” Addressing crowded faces, he rhythmically thumps his chest. “Doem-Doem …”

Linen jacket meets dusty floorboards. His audience cranes its collectively curious neck.  Thinking dry-cleaning, she drags a mock-threatening forefinger across her throat. And smiles. The funky black suit was crisply creaseless that wintery afternoon; hanging behind the bedroom door until darkness stumbled upon them, delivering an abrupt reminder of time.

Coffee! Shower! Socks!

She speed-buttoned his white shirt. Knowing better than to suggest a tie, she tenderly kissed his open neck: ‘Mr Wordmeister, you’re primed to impress!’

He stumped off.  To strut and fret his hour upon the stage … he could almost hear her thoughts accompanying him.

He’s on a roll, gripping the crowd. A gifted man she muses and he was just sixteen, the first time I watched him perform. I was twelve. Kids!

 Her adult decades comprised a perfect Plan A:  She marries a successful man; insists on Pears soap and lilies in her understated home; reads and travels widely; creates a meaningful career and beautiful children – never missing a flight, a deadline or a parent meeting.

And then they share a path again, realising their souls had desperately missed the sun.

She teaches classical literature. She knows irretrievable loss, uncertain futures and conflicting bonds aren’t new themes. But she barely swallows an Orphean cri d’ coeur: How long would I mourn without him?

Unhesitatingly he seeks her shadowed face. He recognises that beneath her burnished mien she lives unedited. Under his crumpled exterior, he filters everything. His words are measured. Hers flow randomly. She once asked him where he felt most alive.

‘Well, right here, of course!’ he claimed extravagantly, kissing her arms to the tips of her French manicured nails.

 ‘Uhhh…and on stage.’  A grunted response to her quizzical stare.

‘Plain sight’s the best hiding place, hmmm?’

He laughs: ‘Not true!!’

‘True! But truths exist in parallel, my darling!  Has to be space for grace between. Truth alone would crucify us all.’

He has no religious beliefs, but that evening he took her to see a painting displayed in a central London museum gallery. A young woman held a handful of pink carnations, the dimpled infant boy on her lap gleefully grabbed at the blooms – his transfixion was yet to come

Does a lifetime contain more love than this moment? Can any yesterdays or tomorrows make now less whole?

Now. It’s all the time we ever have. Intently scanning her lucid eyes, he had noted tears. He folded his arms around her spirited body with unaccustomed lack of public reserve: ‘Beloved, your substance still lives sweet……and God help you little man if that flash pops, even once!’ 

Exit camera-heavy tourist. Stage left.

She suppresses a chuckle, as a deep communal gasp sucks the surrounding air. His finale is impressively sepulchral!

The theatre lights begin to lift. She peers into her new handbag. Capacious enough for her laptop and reams of A4 papers, the style is overtly Vuitton. Predictably he’d loathed it on sight: ‘Now you’ll never find your damned phone!’ he’d grumbled.

But he finds beautiful words for her. In her universal scale of treasured things, his daily scribbles transcend all; including her library of antique books and her prized Jimmy Choos. 

From her purse, she carefully extracts that morning’s precious paper scrap:

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.

Thank you Rumi!

She tells a vestigial rosary of zestful images:  Two barefoot children. Red earth. Orisons for rain.  Scattered worldlings. Quirky smile. Applause.

 Ooops! Applause!  

Wiping his forehead, he acknowledges accolades – instantly registering that her mind wasn’t focused on his performance: ‘She can be SO infuriatingly, fucking…… epistemological!’ he mutters, stepping into the throng.

He oscillates through the laudatory forest of hands and finally materialises alongside her, honed for a coup d’ grace:

Thespian: (rapier drawn) All men and women merely players, huh? 

Academic-Fashionista: (parries) One man in his time plays many parts.

Thespian: (challenging) Love’s not Time’s fool…

Academic-F: (unrepentant) …whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken…

Thespian: (dramatically) …to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach…

Academic-F: (between giggles)….to the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

Fresh out of lines, he kisses her hand: ‘Touché Madame!  Where do we find some unscripted space?’

In many ways, he’d already given her an answer.

Stephanie Faris

The Lullaby Dance

She’s beautiful you know, as she sings the lullaby. “Laa-ilah-ha-illa llah. Kalimat…” Even in the tattered granny-print caftan she wears for comfort, she’s beautiful. Her lusciously thick hair swings to the lullaby rhythm. Her long fingers, nails bitten to the quick, grip the cradle as she rocks it endlessly. Those eyes of hers pull at you, mesmerize you.

My Beauty had always lived in the shadows, fiercely protected by her grandparents and family. They lived in a mansion of a villa in the lusciously green, seaside suburb of Westbay; a beautiful man-made oasis that colorfully contrasted to the dry, shadowed-dunes of the desert, only an hour’s drive away. All well-connected families lived in Westbay. The high sturdy walls of her fenced-in villa formed the outer protection; each pillar as guarded and as silent as her family. The men of her family went to Mosque every Friday. They went together, they prayed together and they left together. Their greetings and wishes to us were as distant as they were. We should have been angry; instead we were intrigued by the mystery. We whispered the stories surreptitiously as we sat around our desert fire that flickered eerie shadows on our white tents. Shadows that moved in and out of the irritable camels restlessly tethered to the tent poles. Shadowed and secret looks; faces distorted as we leaned closer to the fire; faces unrecognisable and made grotesque as the fire’s shadows caressed our faces, mouths moved with spewed snippets of gossip …”she is an expert with the dagger”  …  “she likes to walk the gardens naked under the crescent moon” … “I hear she whips her maid”. Shadows and words floated away with the dying fire’s smoke. We men all talked in the shadows when we could without really knowing … just snippets we had heard from the women … intriguing.

My family lived opposite them. Our mansion was wide and open. Windows reflected the turquoise sea. Alien trees and plants recklessly grew to meet impulsive needs. It was a surprise to me to discover that our two families were related.

I was at home, sitting with the women as they gossiped about last night’s wedding. All the men had gone hunting. I am not a hunter. I pursued the mystery of beauty – art, music, literature, religion. No nation was safe from my curiosity; I was not safe from my father’s disgust. The women sat in the opulent, Persian-carpeted majelis; heavy gold drapes hid the sunlight, cloying incense burned as the mothers combed their daughters’ hair, and idly discussed the mysterious Noor. Bored woman, vicious in their envy of her mystery … their gossip as rhythmic and vigorous as the hair-brushing..  “What type of whore wears a dagger?” … “no shame, that red, low cut, high slit dress”  … “no jewelry to distract from the cleavage” … “The girl did not even cover up properly when the men came”. I left that cloying room as they chattered on about suitable marriage partners for me. It always happened after a wedding. I took no notice.

Yet I would have loved to have glimpsed this intrusive, mysterious Noor. I could just imagine how she had danced; a beautiful, mysterious, snake-like dance; rhythmic like the Egyptian cobra. I would have loved to know the secret surrounding her. How did her parents really die? Was there some truth to the rumours? I gazed out of my window, stared at her villa hoping the answers would somehow appear. It was my other pursuit in life – wondering about her … Is her hair soft? Did her breasts rise gently out of her low cut dress last night? Are her nails long and polished? Was her body soft and moisturized? My thoughts as usual overpowered me and took me to places no good Muslim man should enter.

And now I am married to her, my beautiful, cold wife Noor. No answers to the questions about her parents – it was part of the marriage contract. I could have said no, but her mystery was part of the rhythm of my life.

Her angry wind-breath rocks this cradle in time to the high-pitched singsong lullaby. It is uncomfortable being tied up in it, but Inshallah, it has always been a way of calming her. Too long tonight though, the rocking and the wind-song lullaby. Too long.

Hamdillah it has stopped.

I look down, there is blood seeping from my chest; no pain!  Why is the handle of her dagger coming out of me? I see her parents at the foot of the cradle. I move towards them as they beckon to me; wordlessly calling to me; I look for Noor. I am confused. I move about the room with her parents, but my bleeding, painless body is in the cradle … Why is Noor singing her lullaby as she ecstatically dances her snake–like dance around the cradle?

And now I know the truth about her dead parents.

Dalene Gregorowski

 Echoes in the gaping hole of loss

The night is heavy and still. Time suspended. A defiantly radiant moon has risen high, darkly outlining the silhouette of the Hottentots-Holland mountain range in the distance.  Up here on our mountain the world is gloriously at peace. The night sings its own summer song.

Below stretches a shimmering vastness of city lights, evidence of humanity busy with   issues of life. The shadows on the pale deck deepen as the moon climbs higher. Water in the pool winks invitingly, an extraterrestrial glow, light years of travel arriving from far-far away.

Morning has arrived. Books and papers collected, the scorching air belies the early time of day. Winding down the mountainside, I ease the car into the slow-moving morning traffic. The meetings go on and on. Then back on the road, to get going with a new workload. Yet, happy. A new client added to the portfolio. Life is good.

The small phone energetically vibrates on the seat next to me. I reach for it. Is it possible that four words can forever change your entire life? Four words. That’s all it takes.

I feel like hooting, shouting out at cars around me. Move. Make way. Can’t you see my life is over! Unfeelingly the traffic slithers on as I drive at speed towards Constantia Neck. A left turn into Belair Drive. I can go no further.

Strangers mill around in the smoke. Other people’s houses are burning! Sirens cut to the nerve. Coming in low, a helicopter thunders directly overhead. Then another. In a daze I find parking. Feeling small, thirsty and lost I head up the road into smoke and the mountain. I want to go home.

A policeman materializes and tells me to go back. ‘It’s unsafe’.
 
 ‘But I live here!’ Nobody hears me – as the thrill of the fire sweeps the crowd along. Silently I stand with them as my life burns away. Alone. All it takes – four words. Our house is burning.

I need to get away from voices and people milling around me. From my parked car I look at the dark billowing smoke. High flames lick through the dense cloud. The fire has a loud voice. I look up at our house. I see nothing but smoke and the occasional bright tongue of flame. It is unspeakably hot.  I do not blink. My eyes are dry.

The crowd thins. The sun slithers into the veil of smoke, glowing, a menacing bruised red. The shadows lengthen. This day will also be over. As darkness falls my partner finds me. There are no words as we hold each other. A few people that we know come over to speak to us. Their lips move but I have no idea what they are saying. Nightfall is near, and plans have to be made.

After a night best forgotten, wearing the same and only clothes we possess we drive from Camps Bay along the sea into the Constantia valley. We head into the mountain to our home.

Stark evidence of the fire is everywhere.  We see it’s aftermath. How fire jumps! Across huge spaces. Even across thatched roofs. Now the trees are burnt. Black stumps, where before, pittasporum and giant pines lushly interspersed with fynbos covered the mountain. There are also the fire scavengers. They come at night to take what the fire did not destroy.

And this fire has been thorough. Nothing left but the stone chimney. It stands upright like the warning finger of God. The hot air does not stir. The birdlife is gone. Long fingers of smoke curl lazily into the still air where something is warmly holding on. The landscape is covered in fine grey powder. An eerie silence has invaded our mountain.

No longer framed in shades of green, the city lies below us, enfolded in a pall of smoke. The soft hum of life’s unconcerned flow rises from below. Our silence! Our fire! Our problem. Just the two of us wordless in this nightmare. No shred of tangible evidence of lives lived here. Just grey powdery whorls of dust. The great heat turned even our most mundane life-signs into soft, polluting powder.

The grey landscape silently holds the secrets of terror close. So do we.
Constantia: Seven years later
From our oak- rimmed garden I look up to the mountain to where we used to live. My partner built that home of wood and glass with the help of his father thirty years ago. His love of this special property was all consuming. Yet, he uncomplainingly moved on. I could sense his pain but he bravely replanned our life.

And I? What have I learnt from this? Nothing. No-thing matters. Things can be replaced. And if not? You do without.

Seven years on. My hair and eyelashes are now beginning to grow back. Having sealed the shutters of my soul, I know that certain things in life can never be shared. Each person must hold their pain close and deal with it in the way they can. I also know that possessions are just soft puffs of grey powder that can blow away in the slightest wisp of wind.

No-thing really matters. This is my truth. I have earned it.

Claire Waumsley

            Working Threads

 

The past had lived itself the way it was

Their futures fused

Felt their dark eyes meet

I have written into the princess’s past

Driving across the desert at night is like driving across the Arab mind *

Part of me fights against this

A still vastness

In my dream I visit

Found her carpet weaver lover

So too our love was stolen

Swifter than nightfall

He stole her away riding across the moonlit desert

to his village under the snow capped Elburz Mountains of Tehran

Till just an echo remained

I wonder if there is only one song, one loving, one killing

* (Bruce Chatwin)
Neema  and Bijan

 The Story
When I first met the princess Neema I noticed the restlessness of her hands the languid stillness of her body.

We dined together that night under a misty moon in her palace garden.

Her restlessness reminded me of my own feet, trapped in mythical red dancing shoes, running, always ahead of memories too deep to sit in stillness with.

So I wrote into the princess’s past; found her carpet weaver lover, saw their dark eyes meet, their futures fuse.
The crescent moon had risen higher peering through the arched window at the princess kneeling on her Iranian carpet. She lingered, and then hurried soundlessly on her bare feet through the hallway and out into the garden.
 
Romeo her driver was waiting, “Tonight Romeo I will go out into the streets and see what it is to be with out walls.  I have sat here night after night and I have gathered nothing.”

Reluctantly he drove her into the Middle Eastern night, past the twinkling lights of the corniche and then on to the dim outskirts of Jeddah before the princess said, “Yes, this will do. I will see you in two hours Romeo.”

And so I see her, the princess Neema, unrecognisable in her abaya and veil she steps out of the car, picking her way through the filth of the streets and broken pavements.  Soon the fascination of shops carrying Chinese silks, saris, silver kettles, brass coffee pots, lures her deeper, she becomes lost in the labyrinth of Sharafiya.  When the Isha prayer call hangs in the air she is waved out of a bookshop, metal shutters close, leaving her a woman alone. Alone only in that she is unknown. She walks on, this way she feels less vulnerable. Groups of men gather on street corners, she feels their eyes. She passes the open door of the mosque; men kneel in rows under a single light bulb, sandals by the door. Weary now, she looks for a place to sit out prayer hour, and find her bearings.

She sinks onto a pavement step beside a brown-skinned lady and her child. They sell their meagre wares: cooked corn, strings of wooden prayer beads. She is probably from Morocco, now one of the poor of Jeddah’s streets.

Looking at the beads Neema enquires “Cam – how much?”
 
 “Ithnyn – two riyals,” the brown lady replies holding them out to the princess.

Neema places 20 riyals into her hand, their eyes, hearts meet. This would feed her family for two weeks. The woman reaches under the folds of her abaya and squeezes a tiny trinket into the princess’s hand.

An old tarnished coin, a braided string thread through its centre. Neema’s heart beats faster. The first   remembered gift from her father; a tiny wooden box, inside a penny.  He had said, “This is a penny from the queen of England… for my princess.” She had braided yellow and red string together and worn the coin around her neck. Now as she polished it with her gloved finger, memories flooded back.  “Walla – by God.” The coin was her first gift to her beloved Bijan.  ‘‘This is a penny from the queen of England, for my Prince,” she had said to him.

Bijan had stolen her away, riding across the moonlit desert, to his village under the snow – capped Elburz Mountains of Tehran. Here he had kept her a willing captive. For eighteen moons they had lived side by side, she watching him work, weaving stories of red and orange into his carpets. She had brewed strong cardamom coffee and baked the daily loaf of naan bread on the flat stones beside the fire. Later the child had come with his dark black curls and tiny soft hands.

 Faster than nightfall they had entered the village,  honour had been tarnished, blood must be spilled – She was spirited away once again only this time by her brothers – they had ridden swiftly through the day break until only the echoes remained of her cries in that tiny weavers village.

After three weeks they reached her father’s home.  Neema changed; there was strangeness in her, a stillness in her body, a restlessness in her hands. She would not take a husband and had stayed within the palace walls.

Tonight my story had enticed her to leave the safety of these walled gardens.

I wonder if there is just one song, one loving, one killing?

Neema looks up; the brown-skinned woman is gone, only the child stands alone in front of her.
She reaches forwards, slipping the queen’s penny over his little boy head.  I cannot catch her words. They smile, her hands are still.

 Inshallah

I recall my father’s words “Even the dusty poor notice the opportunity for joy, seeing blossoms after death.”

It will be spring in Tehran now.

I bend down to unlace my red dancing shoes. I will not need them tonight.  I will be heavy and still with my own memories.

                                                                                                                                    

Nola Dlepu

Echoes of Loss 

The late morning is beginning to warm up; the early winter sun producing a weak heat. Roseanne walks through the glass doors into the warm and welcoming reception area. Two red high-backed sofas meet at an angle. A small table holds a vase of fresh flowers and a selection of health and organic lifestyle magazines. The tiled floors, the cream walls, the framed art, all match harmoniously. In the corners of the room, plants in big pots seem to breathe life on their own.

Roseanne takes it all, wrinkling her nose at the spicy smell of a flower whose name she cannot remember. Lately, it has been like this, finding it difficult to remember simple things. Her mind is like a bustling noisy machine, difficult to turn off.

The receptionist greets her with a friendly smile.

‘I’d like to join a class,’ Roseanne announces, too shy to say much more. She fills in the forms. She will join the 12h30 group. As she walks into the studio, she feels a sense of belonging.

She’s been seeing a therapist over the past year, trying to untangle her entangled spirit. She can’t believe that she’s finally reached this stage.

Roseanne sits in the small studio coffee shop and orders a cafe latte. It tastes better than the one she had last week at a posh coffee shop where she had met Zoë – their regular Thursday coffee date, usually filled with superficial chitchat.

But last week’s meeting had been different. Roseanne had sat, filled with nervous anticipation. She had an important announcement to make.

‘I’m leaving.’

“What do you mean, you’re leaving?” Zoë had asked, the surprise in her voice carefully controlled. 

‘I know it seems like a drastic move,’ Roseanne said. She had to handle this delicately, carefully. She didn’t want to offend Zoë. But she did want Zoë to see her point of view, not think she was taking an easy escape route. She really liked Zoë, but sometimes she felt her friend was blinded by all the glitz and glamour surrounding them. They had met through their husbands: lifelong friends, hard-working men, making dough in buckets and flashing it too – expensive gifts and ostentatious German sedans.

Over a year ago, she had told Zoë about how unsettled she felt – that something was missing in her. She couldn’t give it a name – all she could say was that it was a strong nagging feeling. Zoë had been taken aback. She couldn’t understand it. Roseanne had everything: a mansion on an estate, a wealthy man, a 4×4. She even played golf on weekdays! Not to mention that she was one the first customers Liz & Jean phoned when a new batch of designer clothing hit the boutique.

‘You’re so ungrateful, Roseanne, such a grouch,’ Zoë had said. ‘How can you complain, when you have a life made in heaven?’

After that, Roseanne had decided never to raise the subject with Zoë again.  Instead she decided to seek professional help.

Last Thursday’s meeting had been different though. She was feeling confident, ready to face the reality of her feelings and speak to her friend candidly. ‘Just let her know how you feel,’ her therapist had said, ‘and take it from there.’

‘I’m leaving,’ Roseanne repeated the words. ‘Leaving Russell. Actually I have left, already. Left it all behind.’

Zoë was dumbfounded, her mouth hanging open in amazement.

‘His lifestyle, our lifestyle. It’s not what I want, Zoë. I felt so empty, unloved.’ She looked at her friend.  ‘I tried talking to him, several times. To tell him how I felt. But he couldn’t understand what was bothering me; he was always too busy to sit down and listen. He felt we were living the dream. And whenever I said “It’s a lifestyle and I want life”, he would look down in a patronizing way and say, “What’s the difference? It’s life with a style”’.
 
Zoë’s eyes were still fixed on her. ‘And then, I thought maybe that’s it; maybe that sort of style makes me profoundly unhappy. And once I’d worked that out, the only thing I could was to leave him.’
 
‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Roseanne,’ Zoë said.
 
‘I know you probably think I’m being stupid, and believe me, I’ve asked myself a million times if I was asking for too much, but I couldn’t continue living like that.’

Roseanne scooped the last teaspoon of froth from her latte. ‘The only times he seemed to need me was to make a grand appearance in a designer dress for a work function, or,’ she laughed wryly, ‘when he wanted me to show up in a fancy negligee. Even when we were on our so-called holidays, he was busy with his cell phone and laptop. “Business,” he would say. “Business that lets us afford us this holiday and all the luxuries back home.” But you know what, Zoë?’ Roseanne spoke fiercely and firmly, ‘All I ever wanted was love, companionship, sharing. What I wanted has no price tag, and all the money he makes could never buy it. And that’s where the misunderstanding lay.’

As they were leaving the coffee shop, she leant over, and kissed Zoë on the cheek. ‘I hope we can still be friends, Zoë? Let’s try to keep in touch.’ And then she had walked away, leaving her friend staring after her, still slack-jawed.

Roseanne finishes her drink, and walks towards the dressing room. She is smiling, pleased with the new beginnings. Therapy, and now a yoga class – good start. Zoë would never understand her choices. But for the first time in years Roseanne feels a sense of fulfillment; she has found herself – her soul.

Lidia Paley

An unusual holiday

Jack Skinner is a twenty year old student at the University of Cape Town. Excelling in his second year of theology, Jack wants to become a Christian evangelist. He has been living with his adopted parents since he can remember. He doesn’t know his real parents and has a strong desire to discover their identity. Having a month’s holiday from his second semester of studies he decides to take a vacation. His adopted parents, Anton and Felicity have decided to spoil him. Sensing his emptiness they encourage him to travel somewhere. Jack has been having a recurring dream where he is based in the middle of an Ethiopian village inside a mud hut surrounded by poverty feeling strangely comfortable. Browsing on the internet for airline tickets, Jack makes a booking on SAA for 6 June 2007, departing at 11:00pm from Cape Town to Johannesburg and from Johannesburg flying with Ethiopian Airlines to Addis Ababa.

He waves goodbye to Anton and Felicity and boards the plane. The stewardess shows him to his seat between a small kid with red hair and freckles and an elegantly dressed woman in her forties. He pages through the “Sawubona” magazine to kill time as the plane escalates into the sky.

The humming noise from the engine increases as the screeching wheels hit the runway. Jack catches a nearby shuttle to the terminal. In a café buzzing with people he orders a chicken burger and coke, gobbles down his food and hurries to the ticket office. He boards the next plane and a smile spreads across his face as the stewardess ushers him to a window seat. The eight-hour flight passes quickly and a voice over the intercom announces a short landing. In the shabby airport Jack grabs his luggage, walks towards Avis car rental and orders a taxi to the city centre. He explains to the driver that he needs to get to the Wabe Shebelle hotel. . Addis Ababa is on the southern facing slopes of the Entoto mountain range and the outskirts of the city are surrounded by traditional homes of wattle and daub with cattle grazing nearby.

Approaching the city centre Jack sees women in colourful dresses and men in loose trousers and tightly fitting shirts. The taxi jerks over the potholes in the road and at each robot intersection there are beggars. The driver makes a right turn and stops the taxi in front of the hotel.

After a quick nap in his hotel room, Jack throws his camera, wallet and room keys into his sling bag and leaves. There is a shuttle service outside the hotel and Jack takes one to the city centre. On arrival he spots a nearby café, goes inside and orders an injera, a large pancake with spicy sauces and meat. After his meal he walks to the train station and purchases a map. He scans the map and decides to visit a rural area – Nuer. At the train station he purchases a ticket to the Gambella National Park from where a taxi can be arranged to any of the nearby villages.

The train finally comes to a stop. Jack proceeds to the entrance of the park and arranges for a taxi to Nuer. As he walks towards a village he is greeted by people with dark faces and satiny complexions. They are wearing bone bangles, bright bead necklaces and spikes of ivory through holes pierced in their lower lips. Some women are weaving baskets singing in Amharic. Jack spots an old man sitting in front of his hut whistling on a bamboo flute. He approaches and takes his camera out to take a photograph. The man doesn’t seem to mind and Jack takes the shot. The man motions for him to come inside the hut and offers him a cup. Jack takes a sip and tastes the rich flavour of Ethiopian coffee.

The old man smiles and shows Jack a photograph of a white man holding a bible. It is autographed with the man’s name and a message saying, Jesus loves you. Jack knows that he has seen this man before. The old man shows him a copy of the bible translated into Amharic. It was probably given to him by this very man. 

A taxi approaches on the gravel road.  Jack waves goodbye to the old man. Back at the national park, Jack takes the train back to the city centre. At an internet café not far from the train station he does a search about the man on the photograph – Kevin Brand. Jack soon becomes engrossed in reading about Kevin’s experience in Ethiopia and comes to a piece that describes how he had a son with a woman who was a missionary in Ethiopia: Francesca Prendini – the daughter of a strict Catholic home. Francesca fell pregnant and returned to Cape Town without telling Kevin about it.   She and Kevin were not married and she couldn’t bring herself to tell her parents of her pregnancy. During the last five months of her pregnancy she stayed in Cape Town with friends, then gave the baby up for adoption. Kevin Brand was only informed about this two years later – the last time she made contact with him.

Jack cannot make sense of this bizarre story. Why had he seen the exact same photograph inside his house a few years ago? Could this man possibly be his father? On the website Kevin expresses deep regret about not finding his son. On one of the pages Jack notices that Kevin is currently stationed in Kenya where he is involved in an outreach programme to young children.

His heart skips a few beats as he disconnects from the internet.

Maire Fisher

The murmur of lost

I had never seen my mother’s desk as a place of secrets. It was simply a no-go zone, where an invisible barrier kept the distractions of the outside world at a safe distance. As a child, I was warned never to go into her study unless absolutely necessary and never, ever, to touch her papers. When she’d finished working she would tidy everything away, close the desk and lock it with a small ornate key.

And now, I hold the key in my hand.  But I hesitate before turning it. My mother was an intensely private person, and this, far more than sorting through underwear, shoes and books, is a violation of her privacy.

My father and I were inhabitants of the world she kept at bay. It wasn’t that she didn’t care for us – I had everything I needed; a perfectly cooked meal greeted my father every evening on his return from campus. And if this caring was helped by a live-in maid, a full-time cook, the au pair who arrived when I was seven, well, she was a busy woman, busier by far than my father. Highly revered in her field, constant demands were made on her: to travel the world, deliver papers, conduct seminars.  ‘Mommy’s work’ was a member of our family – one that took more space than my father or I did.  

My father didn’t seem to mind that my mother’s work removed her so thoroughly from our lives. Once I asked why she had missed my first school open day. He sat on my bed, a book balancing on his bony knees,

‘Hear and attend and listen; for this befell and behappened and became and was, O my Best Beloved,’ he declared in a deep voice. I giggled as he flicked to the end of my favourite story:

‘But when he has done that, and between times, and when the moon gets up and night comes, he is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him. Then he goes out to the Wet Wild Woods or up the Wet Wild Trees or on the Wet Wild Roofs, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone.’

I looked at him, puzzled. ‘Your mother needs to walk by her wild lone,’ he said. It makes her happy. It helps her.’

‘Helps her, Dad?’ I couldn’t imagine my mother ever needing anything, anyone.

I learned then the first of many lessons in letting my mother be. We lived, a unit of one and a unit of two, generally amicable, and generally content.

I rest my hand on the whorled rosewood lid and see her, blonde hair shining under the goose-necked lamp, her hand moving smoothly and rapidly, covering sheet after sheet of the thick creamy paper she bought by the ream.

I skim the notes my mother was making before a blinding headache sent her stumbling and afraid, to call me to her.  And another lost memory emerges.

On my way to the bathroom for a drink of water, my parents’ bedroom door ajar.  My father, holding my mother, rocking her. ‘I know, I know,’ he murmurs over and over. Forgetting my thirst, running back to my room. Back in my bed, closing my eyes, seeing my mother’s tear-stained face, my father’s gentle hands rubbing her back.

At the airport Jim had hugged me, laid his cheek against mine. ‘Stay as long as you need to, sweetheart. The boys and I will be fine.’

It wasn’t that long, in the end. My mother had ignored the small signs. A slight dizziness; the sudden blurring of words in front of her eyes. She decided emphatically that she did not want any treatment and asked me stay to care for her at home. For all of ten days I was closer to my mother than I had ever been. She tired easily, wasn’t able to talk much, but one evening as I sat next to her, she rested her hand on mine. Her touch was still hers, firm and cool.

‘I’m glad you’re here.’

‘I am too,’ I said. ‘Very glad.’  I looked into her eyes, filmed now and almost blind.

‘Always loved you,’ she said.  ‘Loved you all, too much.’  I smoothed her hair back from her forehead.

 ‘Your father …’ She moved restlessly, plucking and worrying the heavy cotton sheet.

My hand gentled hers. ‘Sssh,’ I said, ‘Mom.’
.

Her breathing deepened and I thought she might sleep. I sat staring, wishing my father was there to explain.

‘Jim and the boys,’ she said. ‘You’re happy?’

‘Very,’ I said.

‘Good.’ A faint smile and then so quietly I could barely hear, ‘My little girls.’
I was sure I had misheard her, until I discover the gaily tartanned old Walker’s shortbread tin in her desk. It must have been opened and closed many times before, the lid slips off so easily.

There isn’t much. Some colour photos, a few black and white. She was sturdy-legged, her hair as dark as mine is fair. Her eyes, the same pale grey as my mother’s and mine. A birth certificate. She was born in 1952, five years before me, and three years before my parents moved to South Africa. A death certificate. She had died of meningitis.

In one photo she is held by a young woman, and with a jolt I recognise my mother. Laughing. 

Jean Adendorff

The Circle of Life

Dinner at Bertoli’s with mother was extremely tense.  Waves of relief, sweet as Angel’s kisses, flow through me.  It’s over.  I’m uncurling.  For once, I, Sybrand,  (known as Zaybee), her only son, baffled and befuddled her. 

After these alien encounters I usually feel limp as left over lettuce on a warm plate; tonight I’m in the zone – sparkling. 

Tonight wasn’t about my image – my thatchwork of thick black hair in a wild disarray of dreadlocks, artfully streaked with blonde, our “sordid squat”, or graduating, from that “den of iniquity,” the Conservatoire.

Tonight’s focus was the box, sealed with drops of scarlet wax, which she discharged from the Gucci like a poisonous snake, and dumped on the damask, before she upped and left, a silent scream of rage driving off in a whisper of black Merc.  

The box – my long-awaited legacy from Grandmother Amelie, terrifies her, but I resisted the manipulative manoevres and refused to surrender it.

With a triumphant fist pump, I place it gently in my noisy yellow beetle and drive home, fevered with  anticipation.

Solitude’s essential, and our household’s partying, so I slip silently through my window.   I light several candles in my sacred space, place the box on the rough-hewn saligna altar between the silver and amber necklaces, and light a bunch of incense.

I exchange tight black Levi’s for taichi pants, and drop onto the cushion.  Sitting straight-backed, with one hand cupping Amelie’s photo, I wait for midnight.  My mind blows away into the haze of sandalwood; memories flood into my out-of-control psyche …

… Spending childhood with grandparents; a rainbow nation  lifestyle, where red wine often flowed deep into the night. 
… discovering that Tomas was not my father’s father.  Who was?  Who was my father?
… Times and spaces with Amelie; she always carried journals to diarise with experiences, sketches and poetry. 
… Climbing down to our special place, a rocky amphitheatre, its black floor worn smooth by ceaselessly moving waves. Slipping on the wet rocks.  A mountainous wave dragging me out to sea, tossing me like driftwood, groping, gasping, choking, hitting my head against a rock.  Oblivion.  Faces gathering around, pushing me back with hands and voices, …black faces … as my heart was thumped and my lungs pumped until, sobbing, in searing agony I was born anew.
 
… Tomas’s superb craftmanship – my first quarter-sized cello; beginning a passionate love affair with her first outrageously painful squawk.

Other memories, starkly contrasting.

… Infrequent trips to visit mother.  A stiff Pretoria mansion, chilled with good manners and readings from Die Bybel.  
…  Overhearing Ouma’s never-to-be-forgotten remark; “just as well his hair grows thick and long and curls in ringlets, like Amelie’s.  Never cut it short.   A dark complexion like his, with short black curls!”  And, twisting her mouth imperiously,  “we can’t allow that.” 
… My immaculate mother, role-playing the perfect wife to my stepfather – military top-brass, remote and only passionate when lecturing on God-given White Afrikaner supremacy.  “ Rooineks work for Satan; Swartes are ignorant savages.”
…  Amelie giving English literacy classes in Kyalitcha.  She cherishes works of black African poets and philosophers, and sings African songs.  I experience Ubuntu, and learn Xhosa.  I prefer Satan.
… Questions about my real father slam back like heavy doors, always bolted shut.
…  Amelie, ashen-faced, wiping tears away.  “Your father died.  Shh, I promise I will tell you one day.” 
…  Amelie dying before she could exorcise the spooks in their shadowy haunts spinning riddles around me.

Midnight chimes.  I take my inheritance into my tousled bed- my comfort zone.  The adrenaline’s back, big time; the plot’s about to unravel!

I switch on the light, cut the strings and open the box, and, aahh, what a bonus!  Amelie’s journals from before her marriage to her last days!

The first book, fragile with age, falls open; a wedding photo from Mali appears before my startled eyes.  Amelie, wearing a long, embroidered skirt, raven black ringlets falling below her waist, bare breasted and adorned with ornate silver and amber necklaces, taking marriage vows with a tall black man wearing a white kaftan; Djorge, poet, philosopher and musician.   Exactly me!

How would that look on the mantle-shelf in Pretoria in the family portrait gallery? 

They have a son, Raphael.  My father!

Tribal Africa’s too harsh; she returns to Paris.  Djorge is killed in a coup.
 
She marries Tomas, a professor of music who makes instruments. 

Raphael at 22 is a brilliant musician.  The photo lingers trembling in my fingers;  a sensitive face with sharp planes and deep hawk-eyes; he wears my face, with a ponytail.

My mother meets him, jamming in a Left Bank Café. They fall in love.  She’s 19; her mother absolutely vetoes the match and drags her home.

Enter me, as an unwanted pregnancy into a straightlaced Afrikaner Right Wing family.  Outrageous!  Her mother takes her back to Paris, and begins to weave a tangled web of lies and secrets.
 
The forced marriage is disastrous, even before Ouma discovers Raphael’s mixed bloodline.

Pages stained with Amelie’s tears, frantic and despairing, with cuttings announcing my father’s death.  Distraught speculations about an overdose of LSD.

Torn and bleeding, my mother bends to Ouma’s iron will and leaves me, a tiny baby, with Amelie and Tomas.  Secrecy is sworn, signed, sealed and bought with a generous trust fund and the Llandudno house.

Where is this tenderhearted, passionate mother who abandoned me?  Hiding behind all the many walls she’s built around her?

Overwhelmed, I put the books down. Heartrending emotions whirl around like dervishes, plunging me into a vertigo of bewilderment; old monsters drag me into in a chaotic sea of red-hot rage. 

My ancestors, black and white, reach out, eyes beseeching, arms pleading. 

 I shudder as something harsh and brittle shatters, leaving me unfettered, lighter, freer.

New perspectives start emerging; I feel the anguish of my mother’s dark night as droplets of compassion trickle into fragile, empty spaces.

I sink into the cushions, sobbing, and lose myself completely in the melancholy beauty of an exquisite requiem.